Customer Reviews
"Family Table Time is a practical tool that provides any family with a route to the healthy growth of each family member, as well as enriching the family unit itself."
--Dr. Art Cross, President, Cross Learning Associates, Inc.
"You will LOVE this book. We've been loyal users of the Family Table Time Kit for many years. And the results are astounding. Our family looks forward to meals... to discussion... to debate... to celebration. We make time for each other. This book makes a great gift for your family and friends."
--Peter Urbain, Western Springs, IL
Your Family Table Time Newsletter
The Importance of Creating Family Rituals
There’s been a ton of research done over the last fifty years on how important family routines and rituals are to the healthy development of children. There’s even one article that sums up all the research nicely, and Neal and I used this piece when we were trying to understand the difference between rituals and routine and figure out just how important rituals and routine were to our family’s development. You can find that article online, if you feel like reading it. The article is called A Review of 50 Years of Research on Naturally Occurring Family Routines and Rituals: Cause for Celebration?, Barbara H. Fiese, Thomas J. Tomcho, Michael Douglas, Kimberly Josephs, Scott Poltrock, and Tim Baker; Syracuse University; Journal of Family Psychology, Vol. 16, No. 4.
Of the 32 studies reviewed in this article, one of the more common routines identified was dinnertime. The most frequently identified family rituals were birthdays, Christmas, family reunions, Thanksgiving, Easter, Passover, funerals and Sunday activities including the “Sunday dinner.”
The Sunday dinner…doesn’t that sound like one special dinner a week, or just what Neal and I do with our kids during our family meals and meetings? We’ve taken one dinner a week and raised it from the level of routine and placed it in the realm of ritual.
Psychologist Barbara H. Fiese, Ph.D., and her colleagues at Syracuse University began their article by explaining the difference between a family routine and a family ritual.
“Routines involve instrumental communication conveying information that 'this is what needs to be done' and involve a momentary time commitment so that once the act is completed, there is little, if any, afterthought. Rituals, on the other hand, involve symbolic communication and convey 'this is who we are' as a group and provide continuity in meaning across generations. Also, there is often an emotional imprint where once the act is completed, the individual may replay it in memory to recapture some of the positive experience.”
--Barbara H. Fiese, Ph.D
So just what does that mean in English, and what does it mean to us? Well, one of the objects of our book, Drawing Families together, One Meal at a Time, is to help you create a Family Mission Statement — a statement that says “this is who we are.” So, in effect, when you take that one family meal a week and apply the principles you learn by reading this book you’re creating a family ritual, one that is unique to your family. It makes it pretty special when you look at it in that light, doesn’t it?
How to Create a Family Ritual
Any routine has the potential to become a ritual once it moves from an instrumental to a symbolic act. An instrumental act would be setting the table for dinner — but it becomes a symbolic act when you’re setting the table for a special meal. When you’re getting ready for your special family meal, do things just a little bit differently. Make it obvious — just like when your kids see a menorah and know it’s Chanukah, or when they see a Christmas tree and know it’s Christmas, when they see your table set in a certain way they’ll now it’s time for a special family dinner and meeting. Just like that, you’ve elevated the simple routine of putting plates on a table into a family ritual.
Here are some other tips on how to create Family Rituals:
- Begin to excite interest in the meal before anyone even sits down at the table. Involve the entire family by assigning each member a task, whether it’s setting the table, making a salad, carrying stuff to the table or even just helping put the ingredients near the stove. That way everyone will feel like they played a role in the meal preparation process.
- Candles are always cool, and kids love them. Small gestures like candles can signal the importance of gathering together around the table. Try lighting several candles on the dinner table when your special meal begins and blowing them out when it ends to signify the beginning and end of the meal and family meeting.
- Turn even the smallest and seemingly insignificant events into special occasions by celebrating milestones or achievements like losing a tooth, getting a hit or scoring a goal, or even just not striking out, or getting a good grade on a pop quiz.
- By constantly using the dinner table as a place to celebrate, parents and kids alike will look forward to having dinner together more often.
- Encourage family members to take turns suggesting a topic of discussion at each meal so everyone feels involved and valued. Remember, all members of the family need to buy into this whole thing or it won’t work!
- Some weeks a family member picks a theme for our special meal. We once had a “back to school” meal and meeting. Our daughter, Caitlin served our dinner in brown paper bags and made place cards with chalk and black construction paper. We have had backwards nights, where we have had dessert first; movie nights; pajama nights; etc.
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